Swirled and Screwed
by Lauthica Green Clinkenbeard
Summary: A small group of close friends discover a magical portal in an unusual place that leads to Middle Earth with dimensional twists in time and space and dire consequences. Adult themes and language, purely a story for humour
1. Deshevaled

Screwed and Swirled

By: Lauthica Green Clinkenbeard

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE LORD OF THE RINGS OR ANY OF THE CHARATURES FROM ANY OF THE MOVIES, BOOKS, ETC, ETC…THE ORIGINAL CHARACTURES ARE MINE HOWEVER ANY ORGANIZATIONS THEY BELONG TO, CLOTHES THAT THEY WEAR, WORLDS OR KINGDOMS THEY LIVE IN ARE NOT, ETC, ETC, ETC. THIS STORY WAS MADE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND I DON'T EXPECT NOR EVEN WANT ANY MONETARY GAIN. THIS DISCLAIMER APPLIES TO EVERY CHAPTER, EVERY SENTENCE, EVERY WORD, EVERY LETTER, ETC, ETC, ETC. ANY REFERENCES TO ANY SONGS, DRINKS, AND SITUATIONS BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO PEOPLE LIVING OR DEAD IS COMPLETELY CONICIDENCE. THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. CONTAINS STRONG ADULT MATERIAL SUCH AS DRUG USE, STRONG LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE, ADULT SITUATIONS, AND SEXUAL CONTENT AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS STORY. THIS STORY MAY CONTAIN PLOT SPOILERS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS, WATCH THE MOVIES, OR PLAYED ANY OF THE GAMES. You get the drift?

Author's Note: Hello Fans! I'm back! I know that many of you have been waiting a long time since I last posted anything and I fully intend to return to the other woks within the next few weeks. I experienced a very tragic death in my immediate family and it's taken me a long time to get back not only onto my feet, but also get back into my right mind as well. And if you are reading my work for the first time, I welcome you. To my diehards this story may seem a little odd compared to my other more serious works. It was born on my friend's porch after a few beers and a cloud of bubble fumes from a children's birthday party and is entirely a parody story based solely for the purpose of comedy, so please don't flame me too badly in the reviews. This story is dedicated to my friend, Eden as her birthday present. I hope all, old and new, will enjoy it.

Sincerely, Lauthica Green Clinkenbeard

 **Chapter One: Disheveled**

The bar counter shook as the four friends slammed down their now empty shot glasses.

"Cheers!"

"To Frank!"

"Happy Birthday, Frank!"

"Aw, thanks guys," Frank said as he ran his hand through his curly, black hair and wiped away a few drops of whiskey from his burly, beard.

"We couldn't have done it without Sam," said another man wearing a black, skull and crossbones bandana that tapered into his long, brown ponytail, "She closed the bar early for us,"

"I never would have thought you would ever own a bar," said a small, redheaded woman toward the bartender, "She talked about it for years and years. I never thought it was going to happen,"

"Gee, thanks Michelle," Sam said as she gathered up the empty shot glasses, "And go fuck yourself," she said laughing as she reached for the half-empty bottle of Jim Beam's Devil's Cut. "Frank, Michelle, Lance, are you guys ready for another?"

"No, no!" Lance, the man with the ponytail, said holding up his hand, "I'm all whiskied out, but I'll take a Jager Bomb,"

"Vegas bomb!" Michelle, the small redhead, exclaimed as she held up her Mike's Hard Lemonade into the air.

"I'll stick with whiskey," Frank said as he chugged down the rest of his Bud Light, "And beer me,"

Sam, a tall, voluptuous blonde, fixed their shots and handed out the beers and cocktails for another two hours. Michelle proceeded to blow up the juke-box with Hip Hop while fighting with Lance who wanted a power-hour of Gun's N Roses while ripping off his Goonies T-shirt and dancing on and off the pool table. Frank chugged beers and downed shots until he threw up almost all of his funfetti cake and then continued to drink and repeat. Sam eventually gave up on keeping up with washing the glasses and joined the festivities of dancing, comforting the nauseated Frank, attempting to keep Lance clothed and keep him from breaking pool sticks over his knees, listened to a drunk and extremely over-emotional Michelle as she cried and complained about her asshole ex-husband, and unlocking the door for a couple of other friends who arrived at the party late; Kyle "The Bateman" and Jimmy, Michelle's current boyfriend.

"Frank?" Kyle asked sitting down at the table. Frank was slumped over sleeping with one of his eyes open and glossy, drooling on the table, and still holding onto his Bud Light with a deathlike grip. Kyle poked his friend a couple of times in his cheek only getting a grunt and a moan from the birthday boy, and turned toward Sam, "Yup, he's done." He said and let out a deep bellied laugh.

"Are you ok to take him home?" Sam asked.

"What? Me?" Kyle said, "No way! I live on the other side of town,"

"Oh! That's right, I forgot that Frank moved out and got his own place," Sam said.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lance exclaimed as he ran past the table completely nude.

"Him," Kyle said pointing with his thumb, "I can handle,"

"Well, that's one off the list," Sam said glancing over at Michelle who was now openly weeping onto Jimmy's shoulder, "They will be walking back to her place…I guess I can take Frank home," Sam said standing up from the table, "Keep an eye on Sir Godiva and the emotional hobbit while Jimmy and I carry Frank to my truck,"

"Where the hell are Lance's clothes anyway?" Kyle asked bending over to pick up the remains of the Goonies t-shirt.

"He hides them," Sam said as she gestured toward Jimmy to come and help, "Easter's come early, good luck bud,"

After about twenty minutes of lugging drunk, dead weight through the deserted parking lot and coming to a negotiation with Lance that he didn't have the wear his pants in Kyle's car as long as he wore his underwear, which, much to Kyle's lack of luck, was a studded, leather thong, the friends parted their ways.

Frank snoozed away peacefully in the passenger seat of Sam's green F150 as she followed the directions Kyle had been nice enough to write down for her to Frank's new house. And Kyle hadn't been kidding about it being on the other side of town, it felt more like the other side of the county. Passing barns and cornfields she finally turned into the long, wooded. shady driveway.

"Jesus Christ, Frank," Sam said as she parked her truck by the front door, "Amityville much?"

She got out of the truck and circled around to the passenger door and opened it. Frank jolted half-awake and got out of the truck before face planting into the gravel.

"Oh for fuck sake, Frank," Sam said as she helped him back to his seat, "You're always going on about being Irish, start acting like it," Frank just groaned and leaned on her. She had already taken his keys before they even started the celebration and she fumbled with them in the lock until she finally found the right key and opened the door.

"Come on, birthday boy, do you want the couch or can you make it to your bedroom?" Sam asked as she propped Frank up against the wall.

"Bathroom," he slurred barely recognizable as English.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Toliet….Now…." Frank said

"Ok, ok," Sam said as she let Frank lean on her down the hall. Eventually they made it to the bathroom and Frank slumped down onto the floor. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and attempted to set it on the sink, but it only tumbled onto the floor. Sam went to grab it but Frank held up his hand.

"I'm good here," he said, "Just lock the door on your way o…..OUUUUUGGGHHCHHHHHHHCCHCCHCHHHHHH!" he said as more funfetti spewed into the toilet. Sam rolled her eyes.

"Nighty night," she said as she left the bathroom and out of the house, double checking to make sure it was locked. She left his keys in his mailbox and headed home. That was the last night anyone saw Frank.

"We are all worried," Sam said as she took a drag off of her cigarette. It had now been nearly four weeks since he disappeared and she sat comfortably in a patio chair on her friend Eden's porch. Eden was a stay at home mom and her nerdiest companion.

"I bet," Eden said handing her a fresh, cold beer.

"Kyle goes over to his house every day. The door is still locked, his keys still in the mailbox, and his car is still in the parking lot at my bar," Sam said as she opened the beer.

"That's creepy as fuck," Eden said lighting a cigarette.

"You should have seen the house," Sam said, "It's no wonder he got such a great deal on it,"

"Do you think he could be dead on the bathroom floor?" Eden asked.

"No, Kyle finally went in to check on day four and he was nowhere to be seen. His cell phone was even still lying on the floor," Sam said and then she chuckled.

"How can you laugh?" Eden asked.

"Maybe he found a small opening in his wall that transported him into the mind of John Malkolvich," Sam said and the two friends busted out laughing.

The next night, Sam was bartending and Eden was able to have a rare night out away from her kids. Kyle sat brooding at his usual seat at the bar downing shots of tequila and huge mugs of draft Woodchuck.

"I should have taken him home," Kyle said toward Eden.

"It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Sam's fault. I'm sure he is fine and will be back any day," Eden said.

"He's my best friend," Kyle said almost near tears.

"Should we start putting his picture on milk cartons?" Eden asked.

"For Frank?!" Sam said and started to laugh, "We would have to put his picture on bottles of Bud Light and Jim Beam."

"What about that other guy?" Eden asked.

"What other guy?" Kyle asked.

"The naked one," Eden said.

"She's never met Lance," Sam said as she refilled Kyle's shot glass.

"Frank isn't with Lance, and besides, he went on vacation last week," Kyle said.

"Are you sure Frank didn't go with him?" Sam asked.

"I'm sure, I talked to Lance yesterday. He's in fucking Budapest," Kyle said as he took his shot angrily, "What kind of a friend takes off and goes to fucking Budapest when one of his friends goes missing and could be dead?!"

"Oh, Kyle," Sam said gently resting her hand on his shoulder, "We have to stay positive. It's Frank. He's a tough man. He can take care of himself and…"

The entire bar went silent as the side door slammed open so forcefully Sam thought the glass would surely shatter. A man entered wearing a long, green woolen tunic lined with furs. He had a shield on his back and a sword at his side. His hair was shaggy and his beard nearly dominated his face, smeared and caked in dirt and dried blood.

"Uh…You can't have that sword in here, pal," Sam said leaning on the bar. The man was frozen like a deer in headlights.

"I made it back?" he said barely above a whisper.

Eden gasped and Kyle's full mug fell from his hand.

"F….Frank?" Sam asked

"Frank!" Eden exclaimed.

Kyle stood up from the barstool, "Sam, get everybody out of this bar right now."

"What?" she asked.

"I'll pay the open tabs, get them out now!" Kyle yelled. Eden nearly jumped out of her skin. Kyle was an intimidating man; skin-headed with a long, bright red, braided Viking beard, broad shouldered and covered in tattoos and piercings, but he was always a kind and gentle guy. She didn't think she had ever heard him raise his voice before.

"You heard the angry, bald man," Sam yelled out over the crowd, "Get the fuck out of my bar, now!"

Everybody quickly filed out whispering among themselves, until it was just Sam, Eden, Kyle, and the disheveled Frank. Sam quickly shut off the open sign and locked both the front and side doors.

"Beer me," Frank said as he removed the shield from his back and headed toward a table to sit down.

"FUCK BEER!" Kyle yelled as he made a bee-line for Frank. He grabbed the smaller man by the neck hem of his tunic and lifted him off the ground and against the wall.

"Kyle!" Sam and Eden exclaimed as they rushed over to help.

"I WAS FUCKING WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU! I SEARCHED EVERYWHERE FOR HOURS! CONTACTED EVERYONE WE KNOW! WENT TO THE POLICE, AND EVEN DROVE OUT TO YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE AND CHECKED THE FUCKING MORGUE ON A FUCKING REGULAR BASIS LOOKING FOR YOUR ASS! CRYING MY FUCKING EYES OUT EVERY FUCKING DAY, AND YOU WERE JUST AT SOME GAY ASS MEDIEVAL FAIR?!"

Sam and Eden managed to pull Kyle off of Frank.

"Calm down!" Eden yelled.

"Give him a chance to explain!" Sam yelled.

"What the fuck ever, dude," Kyle said and went back to his barstool. He reached over the bar and grabbed the entire bottle of tequila, pulled out the stopper, and started to chug it.

"Is that really you, Frank?" Eden asked.

"Yeah," he said, "It's really me…and could I get that beer now?" he asked. Sam hurried back behind the bar and grabbed a Bud Light and the bottle of Devil's Cut. Eden grabbed their shot glassed from the bar counter and hurried over to the table. Kyle remained at the bar glaring daggers at Frank, which was ironic because Frank actually did pull out a dagger and set it down. Sam handed him the beer and he nearly drank the whole bottle in one gulp.

"That's better," he said and he relaxed back in the chair and sighed.

"So?" Eden asked

"So what?" Frank asked back.

"So what?!" Kyle exclaimed from the bar.

"You shush!" Sam exclaimed giving him her middle finger and then turned back toward Frank, "What happened?"

"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you the truth," Frank said.

"It better fucking be the truth!" Kyle interjected again.

"Where were you?" Eden asked.

Frank just shook his head. Sam brought him another beer.

"Please tell us, Frank," Sam begged. "We were all worried about you? Where did you go?"

Frank gladly accepted the second beer and after another long chug, he set it down on the table, "I was in Middle Earth," he said with an expression of stone cold seriousness. Eden laughed so hard that beer nearly shot out of her nose.

"MIDDLE EARTH?!" Kyle exclaimed, "Ok, so what? Had such a great birthday that you decided to dress like a fag and take off to New Zealand without telling anybody?!"

"I wasn't in New Zealand, I was in Middle Earth," Frank said again.

"Frank," Sam said reaching out feeling his forehead, "Middle Earth isn't a real place. I would know. Eden and I are the Tolkien fanatics, not you. You hated The Lord of the Rings,"

"I fucking hate it even more now," he said and he poured himself a shot of whiskey.

"Ok, so how did you get to Middle Earth?" Eden asked. "I know they make some pretty good drugs nowadays, but damn, dude,"

"I didn't take any drugs, and I'm not going to tell you," Frank said as he downed the shot, "It's embarrassing,"

"Humour me," Kyle said crossing his arms.

"Please, Frank," Sam said, "Just tell us from the beginning,"

Frank sighed, "Alright," he said taking another deep gulp of beer, "The last thing I remember from the party was falling asleep on the table. Then I remember you," he said pointing to Sam, "helping me into the house. I had to throw up again and had you take me to the bathroom. I threw up and passed out hugging the toilet. I woke up a few hours later and flushed the toilet. I don't know what thoughts went through my drunken mind, but I got the idea of sticking my face into the flushing toilet to rinse off the puke. Everything got all swirly and seemed to move at the speed of light and then everything went black. When I opened my eyes I was lying in a big, green, rocky landscape. I walked around for hours with no sign of anything or anyone until a group of soldiers on horseback found me and took me as their prisoner. They kept me locked up for a week and then they took me to the king. They sentenced me to squire for some dude which I did until I realized one day while we were out riding I was back in the same green, rocky area. I escaped the riders and the next thing I knew I was back in my house next to the toilet."

Sam and Eden sat blinking and in silence staring at Frank. Kyle, who had his shot glass halfway to his mouth, was frozen. He blinked a couple of times and then poured the shot onto the floor and then tossed the glass over his shoulder. He stood and adjusted his t-shirt.

"Well," he said, "I've had enough. I never knew that too much tequila could cause hallucinations. Thanks, Sam, but I'm going home now." He said and he started toward the front door. "Oh!" he exclaimed and pointed at Frank, "If you really are Frank and if this is real you better fucking text me tomorrow. I'm beating your ass. Night, ya'll," he said and he left.

"I'm telling the truth!" Frank exclaimed.

"I believe you," Eden said fake smiling and slowly scooted the whiskey bottle away from Frank.

"Frank…." Sam whispered as she stared at him concerned.

"So, you bought a house, but instead of a wardrobe to Narnia, you got a toilet to Middle Earth. Kind of a 'shitty' trade off, but beggars can't be choosers," Eden said. "Could have been worse, you could have gotten a garage that leads to Jurassic Park."

"Eden?" Sam asked

"What?" she asked.

"I think I have to go to the bathroom," Sam said.

"Well, go pee," Eden said.

"Eden!" Sam said, "I….Have…..To….Go…To….The….Bathroom," Sam said stretching her voice and tilted her head toward the bathrooms.

"Oh!" Eden said and put her beer down, "Yup, I have to pee too. Come on,"

"We'll be right back, Frank. Help yourself to whatever you want," Sam said and the two women hurried off into the bathroom.

"What the fuck?!" Eden whispered.

"I know!" Sam said.

"What the hell did you guys use to bake his fucking cake?" Eden asked.

"Hey! It wasn't the cake!" Sam said crossing her arms, "Maybe someone did drug him and then they came back and kidnapped him after I left."

"Poor bastard, he really thinks he is telling the truth," Eden said, "We should probably take him to the hospital,"

"I think we should go and check out that toilet," Sam said.

"What?!" Eden exclaimed.

"Shhhhhhhhh!" Sam said holding up her finger to her mouth, "Maybe he is telling the truth."

"You cannot be serious," Eden said rolling her eyes.

"Well, you know how open minded I am. How cool would it be if it was real and we could go to Middle Earth. How much do we both love The Lord of the Rings." Sam said.

Eden threw her hands up into the air, "I ain't ever eating any of your cakes again,"

"Oh, come on!" Sam said, "So, what if he is making it up, it might help him recover better if he sees that it's just a normal toilet."

"You have got to be out of your fucking mind," Eden said.

"On one hand, we could go to Middle Earth, on the other we help our friend and possibly have him committed. Either way we win, we have got nothing to lose." Sam said.

Eden sighed, "Fine!" she exclaimed, "But I'm pouring some Lysol in that bitch before I got anywhere near it,"


	2. Winter is Coming

Screwed and Swirled

By: Lauthica Green Clinkenbeard

Chapter Two: False Advertising

"I see what you were saying about the house," Eden said as she walked through the front door, "There are dust and cobwebs everywhere,"

"Yeah, about that," Frank said setting down his sword and shield by the closet door, "I haven't been here for four fucking weeks, remember?"

Sam picked up the shield and the sword, "We might be needing these," she said turning toward Eden.

"I'll be _NEEDING_ some bleach and rubber gloves, please," Eden said.

"Under the kitchen sink," Frank said pointing to a brick archway.

"Oh for fuck sake," Sam said as she shouldered the strap of the shield, "I'm not letting you pour a gallon of bleach into any water that I am about to stick my face into."

"Well, I don't know Frank as well as you do," Eden said putting her hands on her hips to accent her attitude, "He could have eaten nothing but burritos and beans for days before he used it. That's not a sewage blockage that I want to meet with my face."

"And again," Frank said, "Haven't been here in four weeks,"

"Shut up!" both Sam and Eden said in unison.

"You are overreacting," Sam said as she fiddled to attach the strap of the sword to the belt on her jeans and leaned over looking into the toilet. "Look at it, Eden! It's whiter than most of our friend's teeth."

"Overreacting?! OVERREACTING?! It's a fucking toilet! I don't know about you, but I can't seem to recall the last time I willfully jammed my face into a flushing toilet that wasn't mine. Dammit, not even mine!" Eden exclaimed.

"Ladies?" Frank tried to ask.

"It's Middle Earth Eden," Sam pleaded, "We have been dreaming and imagining going to Middle Earth forever,"

"YEAH! New Zealand! You know as in getting on a sanitary airplane and flying there, renting a nice, clean car, sleeping in freshly made beds in the Hobbit themed motel, and drinking FDA approved ale in the janitored Green Dragon pub." Eden interjected back, "For that all I need is my passport, not a swirly,"

"What if Gandalf is standing right on the other side? What if he is still Gandalf the Grey?" Sam asked, "If you pour all that stupid bleach in at once you might make him white one book too early."

"Ahem," Frank tried again, "Ladies?"

"What if it's Legolas?" Eden asked, "If his roots are showing I'll be doing him a favour."

"If it is Legolas, then it will _REALLY_ be Legolas," Sam said crossing her arms, "It won't be Orlando Bloom, and he was wearing a wig in the movies. It might not even be the same people who were in the movies. They could be from the book."

"Oh sure! I'm sure the toilet propped up its pipes on the ottoman by the fireplace and cracked open _The Fellowship of the Ring_ _._ " Eden said.

"Maybe it did, it is a magical toilet," Sam said smirking at Eden.

"GUYS!" Frank yelled. Both Eden and Sam jumped, "As I have been trying to say, I haven't been here for FOUR weeks, not just this bathroom or house, I haven't been on THIS PLANET for FOUR weeks. No one has used this toilet for FOUR weeks. I haven't used ANY toilet for FOUR weeks. You know those leafy wrappings they had the bread in the movies? Have you ever imagined wiping your ass with one? I've got dingle-berries the size of Texas! I really don't want to be anywhere near that toilet for about another FOUR weeks. So, if you don't mind, please flush yourself in so I can lock the fucking door."

"What?" Sam asked, "Where are you going?"

"I am going over to crash at Kyle's place for a bit. I'm planning on a nice hot shower and shave, some Taco Bell, and I'm hoping to shit out FOUR weeks of medieval foods on a normal toilet, not a haunted crack nerd's toilet. So if you wouldn't mind, please,"

"Fine," Eden said rolling her eyes, "Go ahead Sam,"

Sam's eyes got wide, "Me?! No way, you go first!"

"What?! I'm not going first. You are the queen of the nerds, this is your calling in life,"

"At what part did we decide this?" Sam asked.

"When you dragged my ass out of the bar and over here to stick my face into Ben Hur's fucking toilet," Eden said.

"What if there are bandits or Orcs on the other side?" Sam asked.

"How in the hell is that supposed to make me want to go first?!" Eden exclaimed.

"I am better at using a sword, so I should go second so I can rescue you," Sam said.

"Bullshit! I'll go and get my Glock out of my car and it will kick your little sword's ass!" Eden said.

"LADIES!" Frank screamed.

"Fine!" Sam said as she double checked the straps on both the shield and the sword, "I'll be the brave one; I'll go first,"

Just as Sam knelt down on the tiled, bathroom floor Eden suddenly put her hand on her shoulder stopping her as she leaned toward the bowl.

"Hold on a tic, since when does this make you braver than me? I've got balls the size of casaba melons," Eden said as she knelt down, "I'M going first."

"OH NO YOU DON'T! My dick is tucked into my sock. I'm the one with Viking blood so, I'm going first."

"There are no Vikings in Middle Earth, scoot over," Eden said and she elbowed Sam.

"Well, they have plenty of dwarves, they can wait two minutes for one more," Sam said elbowing her back.

"BITCH!" Eden said shoving her over.

Meanwhile, as this wonderful scene of love and enduring friendship was playing before Frank, he let his face fall slowly into the palm of his hand. _How do these crazy people keep finding me, and why are they my friends?_ He sighed, and he straightened out his back cocking his neck to both sides flexing his muscles. He cracked his knuckles and very calming approached the fighting women. He waited for just the right moment when they were both hovered over the toilet.

"Hey! Guys!" he said.

"What?!" Sam and Eden both asked.

"Bring me back a T-shirt. My size is medium husky," and with that he grabbed both of the backs of their heads shoving them both into the toilet and quickly reached out his foot to flush. There was a blinding flash. Frank raised his hands to cover his eyes. Then, as the light dissipated, he crossed the bathroom and reached into one of his lower cabinets. He pulled out two copies of Penthouse, tucked them under his arm, and saluted toward the toilet.

"I'll be at Kyle's," he announced to the now empty bathroom and left with only the clicking of the lock echoing through the empty house.

 _Meanwhile, somewhere in the bowels of Orthanc…_

An elderly, frail looking and thin man with pin straight white, long hair and beard sat hunched in a magnificent chair. The chair itself had been carved from the same obsidian that constructed the tower.

"What is this strange surge of disturbance?" he asked aloud to the empty room. "This is the second time in this moon that it has rippled through me."

The elderly man's voice was deep and smooth like a calm sea, but with a hint of darkness as an approaching storm. He was clearly rattled by this strange feeling.

"I should have asked that Grey fool if he too had been sensing this before I imprisoned him. There is something going on, some magic at work here that this world has never seen. It's as if the very universe is being ripped apart and braided back into a cosmic rope."

From a double doorway across the room an Orc staggered into the room.

"My Lord Saruman," it said bowing, "What orders from Mordor? What does the Eye command?"

Saruman would have to put this strange convergence out of his mind for now. He had far too many other important tasks to worry about.

"We have work to do," was all he said.

 _Meanwhile on the rooftop of Orthanc…_

Another elderly man sat leaning his back against one of the obsidian roof spikes of the tower. His arms were wrapped around his chest for warmth and his curly grey hair and beard were a mess about his face. He was trapped with only the cold winds of the sky whipping around him. The only sounds he heard from below were shrilling Orc cries and the snapping of wood, and the terrible smells of burning oils and metals. He cursed at himself,

 _"I should have known better than to trust Saruman. Where did he find that cursed Plantir. I told him far too much. He'll be after Frodo and the ring. I must find a way to escape I have to warn…."_

Suddenly the man winced as a jolt penetrated the air and into his mind. He looked out to the horizon.

"It's happened again…" He said barely above a whisper. Slowly he rose to his feet and carefully walked to the edge of the roof. "Only the last time it came from the direction of Rohan, somewhere in the The Wold, just east of Fangorn …"

The elderly man's gaze drifted from the direction of Rohan to the south where he could just barely see the peaks of the White Mountains. This sensation was the same as the one he felt not four weeks ago only this time it was closer to Gondor and Minas Tirith.

 _"Could it be some conjuring from Sauron? No, I sense no darkness nor evil from it. It almost feels familiar, like the face of an old friend…"_

He sighed and returned to sitting against the spike. The cold winds were making his old bones ache. Then suddenly out of the corner of his eye, he saw a large moth fluttering about just overhead. He carefully reached out and cradled it in his hand so as to not kill it. He whispered something in an old and magical language and then let the moth fly free. He turned back to the direction he felt the jolt and smiled.

 _"Perhaps it is an old friend who's bringing me luck,"_ he thought.

 _Meanwhile, somewhere in the peaks of the White Mountains, during a blizzard, there was a piercing cry that shattered through the blistering cold winds and pelting snow…_

"WHAT THE FUCK, FRANK! I'M GOING TO RIP OUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR BEARD HAIRS THROUGH YOUR ASS! I'M GOING TO….."

"Eden!" Sam exclaimed as lightly as she could

"WHAT?!" Eden said stilling brushing snow off her shoulders.

"We are in the mountains and we are surrounded by massive piles of snow, does the word avalanche ring any bells in your vocabulary?" Sam asked as she shook snow from her hair and zipped up the front of her thin TARDIS jacket.

"Oh…" Eden said covering her mouth in alarm, "Well, where the hell are we? Which mountains?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Sam said shoving her freezing hands in her pockets, "Frank said he landed in a big, green, and rocky landscape that sounded like Rohan."

"This is definitely not Rohan," Eden said as she yanked the hood of her Mossy Oak pullover over her head and tightened its strings around her face. "I thought you said you had memorized the map of Middle Earth?"

"I did, but it's not like there are giant labels floating over everything, is there?!" Sam said, "Let's just head downward and get out of this storm. Fuck it's cold!"

"I know, I'm starting to regret it when we lost all that weight a few years back." Eden said as they started to make their way down the mountain.

"I can't tell what time of day it is," Sam said looking up, "The snow is falling too thick,"

"Why is that so important?" Eden asked.

"If we are in the misty mountains, then at night we will have to worry about orcs and goblins," Sam said.

"I thought that's what you brought the sword for?!" Eden said.

Sam glared at her, "Yes, that's what the sword is for, except, when I practiced it was on bushes or I used wooden ones in larping when there was no chance of sudden, immediate death with splurting arteries."

"How do we know we are in Middle Earth? What if it's the Himalayas?" Eden asked.

"We don't, but we do know we have to get off this damn mountain and out of this storm," Sam said, "And we don't know how high up we are, we shouldn't talk too much in case the oxygen is thin."

Eden just rolled her eyes and they continued through the snow and in silence. Hours passed slowly and while the blizzard finally let up and the snow began to disappear closer to the base, the sky was growing darker and darker.

"This looks like a good place to set up a small shelter," Sam said. "We are almost there,"

"Does that mean I can talk now?" Eden asked.

"Yes," Sam said giving a small laugh, "Help me gather up some sticks and brush,"

Sam and Eden spent another hour propping up sticks and covering them with leaves and moss. Eden started to build a fire while Sam used mud to fill in any gaps on their make-shift lean-to.

"It's a good thing we never quit smoking or we would be shit out of luck," Eden said as she held her Bic lighter into the pile of wood shavings she made with Sam's pocket knife.

"And if anyone or any creature is higher up the mountain they won't see the light of the fire now," Sam said as she finished up with the mud and entered the shelter.

"Hell, we should have tried out for Naked and Afraid," Eden said and they both busted out laughing.

"I'll take the first watch," Sam said making sure the sword was un-sheathed and ready to pick it up at a moment's notice.

"Thank god!" Eden said as she flopped onto her back, "I'm exhausted,"

It didn't take Eden very long before she was snoozing peacefully. Sam just stoked the fire and stared into the distance lost in her own thoughts.

 _"I wonder if we really are in Middle Earth…"_ she thought. _"Could this all just be a dream?"_

The mud worked, for the most part. It was impossible to see any glow from the top of their little shelter, but something further down the mountain saw it bright and clear and began to make its way upward. Unfortunately, Sam ended up dozing off shortly after Eden and it wasn't until a cloud of arrows thudded into their roof and outside their door that both women sat up and looked at each with blank stares. Then they screamed in unison.

"What's happening?!" Sam screamed and she grabbed hold of Eden.

"We're gonna die! We're gonna die!" Eden screamed hugging her tightly back.

Two male voices spoke just outside their shelter.

"It sounds like women, Captain,"

"Women of men,"

"Huh?" Sam said as she stopped screaming.

She gently gave Eden a push to let go of her.

"Huh? What? What are you doing?!" Eden exclaimed as she let her friend go.

"Shhh!" Sam said, "I think I hear human voices," Sam crept slowly to the entrance of the shelter. "Hello!" she called out, "Is there anybody out there?" she asked.

"What if it's a trap?" Eden asked.

"It is most definitely a trap," Sam said and peeked her head out.

"Get back in here then, bitch!" Eden said as she started to scream again reaching out to grab hold of the back of Sam's jacket

"Oh shush!" Sam exclaimed, "I was only quoting Gandalf!"

"Gandalf?" One of the male voices asked. A man stepped out of the shadows of the night and into the glow of the fire. "Do you know of the wizard?" he asked. Sam was dazed for a few minutes. She instantly recognized the armour on the man to be of Gondor.

"Umm….Uh….." Sam stuttered.

"Say something dammit!" Eden whispered.

"Y….yes?" Sam finally choked out.

"Well," the man said and he took off his Helmet, "Why didn't you say so sooner."

Sam's jaw fell to the ground when she looked at the man's face.

"Lower your arrows," the man commanded and several other men wearing Gondorian armour appeared.

"What's going on?" Eden asked as she too poked her head out, "Holy shit!" she exclaimed looking around at all the guys.

"Forgive us, ladies," The man said and he held out his hand to Sam. She took it and he helped to pull her onto her feet. Another solider stepped forward and helped Eden.

"T…Thank you," Sam said brushing off some mud from her pants. Eden was staring and pointing at the man who took his helmet off.

"Oh my god, it's…" Eden began but Sam nudged her with her knee.

"It's so wonderful that you found us," Sam finished for her.

"My men and I mistook you for a camp of Orcs," he said.

"Sam…" Eden said suddenly forgetting they were surrounded by Gondorian soldiers, "It's…..It's….."

"Shut up, Eden, no it's not," Sam said under her breath.

"We have a small encampment at the base of the mountain were it will be much safer," he said.

"That would be lovely, uh…." Sam had to bite her tongue, she almost said his name and that would come off as very suspicious, "uh, my good sir," she finished.

Two men on horses approached and dismounted. One was average sized and the other was an incredible specimen of protruding muscle and masculinity. The women swooned from the cloud of testosterone that hit them. He walked over in front of them and took off his helmet shaking out his long, curly black hair. He was beyond handsome with sharp cheekbones and piercing blue eyes. He smiled and flexed his muscles slightly.

"Well, good evening my ladies," he said in a horribly high, squeaky voice.

Both Sam and Eden busted out laughing.

"Oh my God!" Sam exclaimed as tears formed in her eyes.

"Everything on him is on steroids, but his voice!" Eden said leaning on Sam to keep her knees from buckling under her. The man stared at them confused.

"Ladies?" the first man asked, "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Yeah, sorry," Sam said catching her breath and wiping her eyes.

The other average sized man took off his helmet and all the blood drained from Eden's face. Sam didn't think her jaw would stay attached on this one. She leaned over to Eden and whispered, "That man looks just like your husband, Scott!…Eden?" Sam looked over and Eden had fainted.

Several of the soldiers stared at them and around at each other confused. Sam had to think of something clever, and fast, "She's famished, I'm sorry. We haven't eaten in days,"

"Right," said the first man, "We best get back to our camp. This is Galion," he said gesturing to the man with the squeaky voice, "and this is Scotticus. They will escort you to the camp on their horses."

"Thank you, again, brave sir," Sam said as she tried to pull Eden back up on her feet.

"I am Boromir, son of Denethor, Captain of Gondor," he said.

"Uh….I am Samantha, daughter of Samuel and this is Eden, daughter of Terry… TERRENCE! I meant Terrence of Rohan. Our village was attacked and we fled into the mountains and got lost." Sam said.

"Sean Bean…." Eden whispered as she slowly started to regain consciousness.

"Captain, we mustn't linger," another solider said. Boromir nodded at him and then at Sam and Eden. He put his helmet back on and walked away with several other soldiers.

"Come on, Eden! Wake up and get on the damn horse!" Sam said shaking her shoulders.

"Wha?" Eden asked as she finally awoke fully, "Oh my god, I thought I saw my husband,"

"Fair maiden?" Scotticus asked as he rode up to Eden and held out his hand to help her onto the horse. Eden `gave Sam a 'this is fucking weird' look, but Sam gave her a 'get on the fucking horse' look as she joined Galion on his horse. As they trotted along next to each other down the rest of the mountain Eden called out, "Hey Sam!"

"What?" Sam called back.

"I bet you $20 bucks that I can get Boromir to say, 'Winter is coming' "


	3. What's a Little Dirt Between Freinds

Screwed and Swirled

By: Lauthica Green Clinkenbeard

Chapter Three: What's a Little Dirt Between Friends?

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! Frank pounded on the outside of the apartment door when he was fed up with ringing the doorbell.

"Kyle?!" Frank yelled as he leaned over the threshold to glance into the living room window. "Answer the fucking door!" He pounded on the door again, "Dammit," he said as he sighed and headed back toward his car. He looked down at his cell phone plugged into his outlet. It almost felt foreign in his hands after he hadn't had it for so long. He scrolled through his contacts and pressed a button holding it up to his ear. It rang quite a few times, until a woman finally answered.

"Frank?!" She asked, "Is that you? Where the hell have you been?!"

"Hi Mom," he said, "I know it's late, but is it alright if…."

"LATE?! YOU WENT MISSING FOR FOUR WEEKS!" she yelled and Frank had to hold the phone away from his ear.

"Calm down, Mom," he said rubbing the side of his temple, "I'll explain everything to you, but can I come over and stay for a few days. I need a shower and I haven't slept in a real bed for a while,"

"What about your new house?" she asked, "Did that strange, nudist friend of yours get drunk and set it on fire?"

"No," Frank said, "Not yet, anyway. Can I come over or not?"

"Of course, dear," she said, "I'll unlock the door. You let yourself, in and make yourself at home,"

"Thanks, Mom," Frank said, "I'll be there in about twenty minutes,"

"Alright, Frank," she said, "I love you, Son,"

"Love you too," Frank said and he hung up the phone tossing it over to the passenger seat. He sighed again and then reached over to his glove box. He took out a small notepad and a pen.

"Kyle, damn you, you drunk, ginger bastard. I stopped by hoping to crash for a few days on your couch and you didn't answer the fucking door. I'll be at my Mom's. Don't come by and don't tell anyone else where I am at. I want to be alone and relax for a while. I'll call you when I get back to my house. I fucking love you man…..you bastard. Frank,"

He read aloud as he wrote down the note, and then he got back out of his car, stuffed the note and the penthouses into Kyle's mailbox, and flipped off the living room window.

 _Meanwhile, through the toilet, back in Gondor…_

"I need to get my eyes checked…" Eden said barely above a whisper. She sat, near petrified, at the edge of a cot staring wide eyed into nothing. Sam sat across from her on her cot pondering her friend with one eyebrow raised.

"Eden," she said, "You need to eat your stew, before it gets cold,"

"I'm not hungry…" Eden said again in the same monotone.

"Yeah, and I'm Margaret Thatcher," Sam said placing the small bowl of stew into Eden's lap. Eden grabbed it to keep it from tipping over but she didn't touch the spoon, nor did her gaze deviate from whatever fixed point she continued to stare.

"He even felt the same…" she said. Sam cocked her head to the side confused.

"What?" she asked, "Felt like what? Who?"

"Scotticus," Eden said, "When I put my arms around him on the horse, it felt just like me riding with Scott on the motorcycle."

Sam didn't say anything, and only continued to sip at her bowl. _'It is strange,'_ she thought.

"Do you think he followed us?" Eden asked, "Do you think he landed in Gondor and is trying to punk us?"

"There's no way," Sam said, "Besides, you called him, right, and explained everything? What did he say?"

"When I called him, I told him that Frank had come back. And I told him that you were dragging me to his house to see if his toilet was a magical portal to Middle Earth." Eden said, "All he said was have a good time and to pick up a pack of cigarettes on the way home,"

"Yeah, well, we might not be getting back home for four weeks," Sam said setting her bowl down on the floor, "Did you mention that?"

Eden's trance was broken as her eyes grew wide. She shot up from the cot, her bowl flying into the air; boiling, hot stew raining and spewing all over Sam, "OH MY GOD! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!"

"BITCH! I'm going to kill you!" Sam said shaking out her hair and flinging chunks of stew off of her arms.

"No! Seriously!" Eden said covering her face, "I didn't think it was real! I thought Frank was just crazy! Scott is totally going to divorce me! And my poor kids! Scott could burn a bowl of cereal! Everyone is going to starve!" Tears were forming in her eyes.

"Fucking Jesus, Eden!" Sam said standing up, looking around for something to wipe herself off with, "He's not going to divorce you if we just explain the truth, and no one is going to starve. God dammit! What am I supposed to do now? I'm soaked and I smell like dog food," she said as she unzipped her jacket tossing it to the fur covered floor of the tent.

"I wish I would have thought to keep my cell phone in my pocket," Eden said, "Right now I just want to see my family's faces,"

"Well," Sam started as she pulled her shirt over her head, "Scotticus is right outside, so take a stroll with him. Besides, I don't that Verizon bastard made it to Middle Earth,"

"I can't take a stroll with a strange man!" Eden exclaimed, "I am a happily married woman,"

Sam rolled her eyes, "Maybe the magic toilet has a deep sense of morals, and it knew you were married so it created a Gondorian Scott,"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Eden asked/exclaimed, "What? The toilet just created some random, alternate universe version of Scott? You watch too much Dr. Who."

"Fair maidens?" an unusually high, squeaky voice asked from the other side of their tent flap.

"Yes, Galion?" Sam asked.

"If everything alright?" This time it was Boromir, "We heard raised voices,"

"Everything is fine," Sam said as she unbuckled her belt and slid her pants down her legs, "Eden saw a spider,"

The tent flap suddenly burst open as Galion, Boromir, and Scotticus rushed in drawing their swords.

"Where is it?" Galion squeaked.

"I've never known for those foul creatures to come so far south of Mirkwood, nor so far east from Cirith Ungol," Boromir said, and as the men looked around the tent frantically each and every one of them turned as red as the scales of Smaug. Sam screamed and reached out for the blanket that covered her cot wrapping it around her exposed bra and panties.

"NOT THOSE FREAKY HUGE TALKING SPIDERS! JUST A NORMAL TINY…NOT TALKING SPIDER," she screamed. Eden was laughing so hard it was that kind of silent awkward laugh that makes a person look like a retarded gargoyle. "GET THE FUCK OUT!" Sam continued to scream.

Galion immediately rushed out, Scotticus spared a few moments to admire the beauty of Eden's laughter before he too left the tent. Boromir remained transfixed on Sam.

"Please," he said as he returned his sword to its sheath, "I beg your pardon, my lady," he said and he seemed sincere, though his eyes still danced around Sam's bare shoulders and the curves of her sides. Sam glanced at Eden who had her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing again.

"I accept, your apology," she said, "But I must ask you to leave, please,"

"I would offer you a change of clothes, but I'm afraid we have none on our persons," Boromir said and he took a step closer to Sam. Eden's giggles were barely stifled by her hand. Her face was turning purple from the lack of oxygen, and she made a jacking off gesture along with what looked as though she was sucking a very large, invisible dick behind Boromir's back.

"That's fine," Sam said glaring at Eden, and took a step back away from him, "My clothes will dry,"

"There must be some way I can make this terrible misunderstanding right," Boromir said, and he took another step closer to her, "I would never dream of compromising a maiden's honour,"

"BAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! HAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAA!" Eden blurted out, no longer able to contain herself, "OH MY GOD! I'M GONNA PEE!" she said, and she bolted toward the tent flaps sprinting outside. Sam and Boromir were alone.

"It's fine! Really," Sam said as she quickly crossed to the other side of the tent making sure that the blanket was secure around her. "No harm no foul,"

"No, my lady," Boromir said. He seemed to cross the room with inhuman speed and grabbed hold of Sam's shoulders. Sam thought about kneeing him right in the nuts, but then his father, Denethor, would probably try to barbeque her. She only closed her eyes and flinched waiting for whatever evil he was about to unleash on her.

"When we reach Minas Tirith tomorrow," Boromir continued, "You and your friend will be the personal guests of my father," he said and smiled taking his hands off her shoulders placing them on his hips proudly.

Sam cracked open an eye, "Your father?" she asked.

"Yes, he is the Steward of Gondor," he said, "You will have fine accommodations, hearty food, merry entertainment, and the finest gowns that my great city has to offer."

"Merry? Entertaining us? Is he here too?" Eden asked as she re-entered the tent, "Where's Pippen?"

"Piping!" Sam shouted, "Piping hot stew! We would love another bowl of piping hot stew," She looked over Boromir's shoulder giving Eden a _"Please fucking save me,"_ look.

"I'm afraid our rations are low, my lady," Boromir said, "There is no more stew,"

"Oh darn," Eden said and grabbed Boromir's arm roughly, "That's ok, now we are exhausted and need to go to sleep, thank you, bye bye," she practically dragged him to the door and shoved him out

"Good night," he barely called over Eden before disappearing behind the tent flap. Eden quickly secured the ties of the flaps to prevent any further intrusions.

"God!" Eden exclaimed, "I didn't think he was ever going to leave. So, you and Boromir huh? You remember he dies right?" Sam only glared at her. Eden continued, "But that is smart. He basically is kinda a prince. Marry him for the perks, don't get a pre-nump, pick a GREAT life insurance plan, and then point the Uruk Hai in his direction," she bent over and picked up Sam's bowl from the floor walking over to her holding it out, "I don't know why you were asking for more stew. You still have half a bowl left,"

Sam frowned at her and then she swung her hand up and knocked the bowl into the air. It spun around spewing both of them in stew, and then the bowl landed on top of Eden's head upside down.

"BITCH!" she yelled out looking down on her clothes. Sam said nothing and only crossed the room to her cot. She blew out the candles on a small table and laid down bunching the covers around her head until she was cocooned.

"What?" Eden asked, "What I say?" Sam didn't answer. Eden rolled her eyes and blew out the other candles before lying down in her own cot. "So, we are going to Minas Tirith?" Eden asked. Sam still did not speak, but the motion under the blanket looked like a head shaking 'yes.'

Eden rolled onto her back and felt under her head picking off a chunk of carrot. She sighed and looked over at Sam.

"I'm not going to sleep," you know, "I'm too worried about Scott AND Scotticus,"

Still no peep from Sam.

Eden sat up in the cot and watched the shadows of the soldiers through the canvas of the tent. She could hear muffled conversations, a few laughs, the clinking of metal, and the whinnying of the horses. She was bored.

"Hey Sam?" she asked.

Still no answer.

"Are you going to fuck Boromir?" Eden asked.

The blankets rustled a bit on Sam's cot but the only thing that emerged was an extended middle finger.

Eden chuckled, "Well, I'm going to take that stroll, but NOT with Scotticus," she stood up and tried to brush off as much stew as she could from her clothes before she untied the tent flaps and walked briskly out into night air.

The camp had quieted down for the most part. Several soldiers were still sitting around their camp fires by their tents, talking, some laughing, drinking from pewter mugs and ale horns. A few were walking around darting between tents, some carrying papers, others barrels, and one younger boy was carrying around an armful of swords. They all seemed friendly and nodded as she passed them. One even bowed his head and said, "Milady," She turned the corner and passed by the blacksmiths tent, pausing a few minutes watching the older man work at his kiln and then continuing on toward the outskirts of the camp. There was a circle of fully armored guards around the entire perimeter, each one spaced about fifteen feet apart with their eyes focused on the mountains and the edge of a small wood. She could hear the slight gurgling of a nearby stream and an idea quickly sprang to her mind.

She hurried back toward her and Sam's tent, getting lost…twice. She chuckling to herself as Thorin's voice echoed in her head from the first Hobbit movie, _"I lost my way, twice."_ Then just as she entered their tent her face turned terribly sad. _"Thorin isn't alive…"_ In fact, he had been dead for quite a long time if they truly were in Middle Earth during the War of the One Ring. She glanced over at Sam who was snoozing peacefully in her cot. Sam loved Thorin. Eden wondered if Sam had realized that most of their beloved Hobbit characters were dead. Would they meet the Fellowship? Join them? Would they find Balin's tomb? Ori's corpse clutching the tome of Moria? Eden shivered from the grief that spread through her mind and tried to shake it off. _"It's probably best that I don't bring that up,"_ she thought.

She bent over and started to gather up Sam's clothes before heading back out of the tent and through the camp. As she approached the perimeter guards they took notice of her.

"Where are you going, my lady?" one asked.

"I'm just going to rinse out these," she said holding up Sam's Tardis Jacket, "and my own clothes in the stream. I believe there is one nearby in the woods," Eden said.

"Would you like an escort, my lady?" another one asked.

"Uh, no," Eden said sarcastically, "I appreciate the chivalry and all, but seeing as I'm gonna be half naked I would prefer to go alone,"

Both of the guards turned beet red and said nothing only nodding and returning to their posts. Eden rolled her eyes and walked toward the direction in which she could hear the flowing water. It wasn't too far away from the camp. She could still see the camp fires through the thicket of trees, but just barely. She quickly rinsed off Sam's clothes and jacket and draped them over a low branch. Then she quickly took off her own hoodie, shirt, and pants, shivering as the chill of the night air came in contact with her body. She gave them a quick rinse in the cool, clear water and hung them on another branch. She then started to dig a small hole for a fire to warm herself, and hopefully quicken the drying process. Just as she dug down deep enough so that the fire could not be seen from a distance, and had gathered some small sticks and brush there was a rustling noise coming from the woods. She jerked her head up. _"Oh, god,"_ she thought to herself. _"Orcs?! Goblins?!"_ Then another thought came to her, _"Fucking Jesus! They are going to find me naked!"_ She stood up quickly and grabbed a large fallen branch that was nearby. The rustling drew closer.

"YOU BETTER STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!" Eden yelled out, "I'M FUCKING SERIOIS! I'LL SHOVE THIS TREE BRANCH SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THE ONLY WORDS YOU'LL EVER SAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WILL BE 'I AM GROOT'!"

The rustling stopped just shy of where the woods opened up to the stream. Eden's heart fluttering wildly in her chest. _"Why didn't I think to bring Frank's sword?!"_ she thought as she tightened her grip on the tree branch.

"COME OUT SLOWLY AND I JUST MIGHT LET YOU LIVE!" Eden yelled out. The rustling began again but much slower than before. Then, with only the pale moon and star light for illumination, Scotticus emerged with one hand covering his eyes, and the other out in front of him to make sure he didn't collide with a tree.

Eden let out a sigh of relief, "Fucking Jesus! What the hell were you thinking?! I told the guards I didn't need an escort."

"Sorry," was all he said shrugging his shoulders.

"Go back to camp, I'm fine," Eden said tossing the tree branch to the ground. Scotticus only shook his head 'no,' and then he turned around so his back was to her and took his hand away from his eyes to watch the edge of the wood.

"Yo, didn't you hear me? I don't need an escort," Eden said. Again, he did not answer. _"Fuck, he really is my husband. A real chatterbox,"_ she thought as she returned to making a small fire. When the brush finally caught, she slid her clothes on a long stick and propped it up near the crackling fire hoping they would dry quickly. Scotticus continued to watch the tree line careful as to not peek at the scantily clad woman behind him.

It only took about fifteen minutes for Eden's clothes to dry well enough so that they would be comfortable to wear and not too cold. She dressed quickly.

"Ok," Eden called out to Scotticus, "Im decent," she said just as she pulled her hoodie over her head. Scotticus turned around and directly made eye contact with her for a brief moment before he came over and sat down by the fire, still silent as ever. Eden went to slide Sam's clothes on the stick, but she accidently dropped them on the ground.

"Shit!" she said and she quickly picked them up and tried to shake off the dirt and leaves. She turned to Scotticus, "How far away are we from Minas Tirith?" she asked him. He held up four fingers. "Dammit! Four days?" she asked. He shook his head 'no.' Eden raised an eyebrow, _"Great…charades,"_ she thought. "Four miles?" she asked, but he only stared at her confused. She let out an agitated sigh and rolled her eyes. _"Oh fuck, what the hell form of measure did they use again? Fuck! Fuck! Fuckity! Fuck!"_

"Leagues,"Scotticus said quietly.

"It speaks!" Eden exclaimed sarcastically, and then she looked back at Sam's clothes, "I'm guessing that is close to miles. Eh, this is good enough for a short journey. I'll tell her it's a medieval skin exfoliator." She folded them up in her arms. They would dry well enough back in the tent by morning, and she was ready to get out of these woods and away from Comando Silencio.

"Let's get back," she said and started to walk toward the glow of the camp fires. Scotticus followed close behind albeit quietly. About halfway back she turned around and caught him staring at her ass. She raised an eyebrow as his whole face blushed, and he casted his gaze to the sky as he continued to walk on, past her only to smack into a tree. Eden giggled and kept walking toward the camp.

"Dumbass," she said smiling as she past him. His face shriveled up in pain as his hand held his nose to check for blood.

The perimeter guards nodded toward her as she past them by weaving through the maze of tents. She glanced over her shoulder to see that Scotticus was still following and now had a large scrape on his nose and forehead. When she reached her and Sam's tent she stopped and turned around confronting him.

"I am perfectly capable of finding my own god damn tent! Jesus, I don't even understand why you keep following me," Eden said sternly. Again, Scotticus was silent as blush spread across his face. She rolled her eyes again and started to part the tent flaps to go inside. Scotticus reached out and took hold of her hand making her jump slightly. She turned around quickly, a blush now forming on her own face, but she did not pull her hand away from his, her own words getting lost somewhere in between her mind and her mouth. His skin on hers sent bolts of electricity through her very core. He remained silent, but he brought the back of her hand to his lips and placed a feather light kiss which made her go weak in the knees.

"Good night, my beautiful lady Eden," he said, and then he turned to retire to his own tent.

Eden stood there a bit shell shocked for several moments before she finally entered the tent. She draped Sam's still damp clothes over various pieces of furniture before she sat down on her cot, still hot and flustered from Scotticus's innocent display of affection.

"I saw that," Sam said rolling over in her cot to face Eden.

"So?" Eden asked, "It doesn't mean anything. He is not my husband,"

"Yet," Sam said chuckling.

"Shut up," Eden said as she laid down and pulled the covers up over her, "Although, The real Scott should do that more often," she said and chuckled.

"He liketh bigeth buttseth and he cannoteth lieth," Sam said.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Eden yelled and threw a cushion at her face. Sam only laughed out loud and rolled back over.

 _The next morning_

"What the fuck Eden?!" Sam asked angrily.

Eden stirred and slowly opened her eyes to see Sam standing by her cot wearing her clothes that were covered in dirt and pieces of forest debris. _"Opps…"_ Eden thought.

"Sorry," Eden said, "I dropped them when I was trying to dry them and I guess I couldn't see very well in the dark. I thought I had shaken most of the crap off."

"I'm going to get to Minas Tirith and find a pearl under my boob," Sam said squirming around in her uncomfortable, scratchy clothes. Eden sat up on the cot.

"Better hope you find another pearl under your other boob." Eden said as she stretched her arms out, "If you find one in your ass it won't be the same colour, and you won't have matching earrings,"

Sam only glared at her.

"Come on," Sam said, "The sooner we get there the better,"

"Do you think Boromir wrote ahead to his father to announce the wedding?" Eden asked standing up gathering up her things from the tent. As she bent over to pick up Frank's sword Sam gave her a swift kick to the ass, but Eden only laughed as she fell forward.


	4. Meanwhile

Swirled and Screwed

Chapter Four: Meanwhile

It wasn't too long after Eden and Sam woke, that several squires came to pack up their tent.

"Let's find some breakfast," Sam said as she and Eden exited the tent into the crisp, warming air of the morning sunrise.

"I'm starving, thanks to a particular person who decided to pull a Sheldon on my bowl last night," Eden said sarcastically.

"Well," Sam said as she reached down and adjusted the crotch of her jeans, moving her thighs against each other trying to dislodge dirt from between them, "I think we're even,"

The girls chuckled to themselves as they walked around a tent that was being packed up and saw Galion and Boromir standing and talking by a much larger, captain's tent. The two men did not notice the women approach and Sam and Eden overheard the last few sentences of their conversation.

"She had the most strange looking corset and underclothes," Boromir said in a hushed tone toward Galion.

"Both of their clothes are odd. I have never seen such fashion," Galion answered in his usual, disproportioned voice.

"Nor have I ever seen a woman with tattoos," Boromir said, "Even amongst the Dwarves,"

"True, Dwarves are the only race I know of that are proud of their tattoos," Galion said.

"And some of the words that they speak," Boromir said raising his hand to stoke his chin to ponder, "I almost cannot fully understand half of what they say,"

"Don't even get me started on the swearing," Galion said, "I have never heard a lady curse so much. It is as if they come from a land where such vulgar words are commonplace,"

Boromir raised his eyebrows gesturing toward Galion, "They did say they were from Rohan,"

"Oi!" Sam exclaimed, making both of the men jump, "Don't you dare say anything bad about Rohan!"

"Seriously dude," Eden said, "She really has an unhealthy obsession with that country,"

Sam immediately jabbed Eden in the ribs with her elbow, "OUR country," she said out of the side of her mouth.

"Right!" Eden exclaimed quickly, "Our country,"

"From what region of Rohan do you hail?" Boromir asked directing the question to Eden.

"Uh…." Eden said as she shot a look at Sam. _"Dammit! She knows more about this crap than I do,"_ she thought to herself, "Uh, the….uh….horsey…..region,"

Boromir raised an eyebrow and was about to say something, but Sam interjected,

"The East Emnet," she said, "Just a small, poor village of horse breeders. I have never even been to Edoras,"

"Nor have I, though they say it is a lovely city," Eden said quickly hoping to change the subject. Boromir's face lit up at once.

"Wait until you see my city!" he said smiling, "Minas Tirith is glorious! It was carved and masoned directly into the side of the White Mountains."

 _"Phew,"_ Eden thought and nodded a silent 'thank you' to Sam. Sam nodded back and then she leaned toward Boromir and snaked her arm around his, causing him to blush.

"My lord Boromir," she said as a seductive smile spread across her face, "Would you kindly point us in the direction of the provisions? We would like to acquire some breakfast."

Eden let out a short, snorted laugh as Sam 'accidently' brushed one of her boobs against Boromir's chest.

"Fair Maiden," Boromir said staring into Sam eyes. He raised his hand and placed it on her arm lovingly, "You would honour me, by joining us for breakfast." He then turned away from her toward a young boy that was packing a wagon nearby, "Squire!" he called out. The boy turned to him and quickly made his way over.

"Yes, mi-lord?" The boy asked.

"Hasten, and fetch a bowl of porridge for the fair lady!" Boromir commanded.

"Ahem," Eden said and glared at Boromir.

"Two bowls," Boromir corrected.

"Right away, mi-lord," the boy said as he bowed his head and headed over to another tent. He returned a few minutes later with the bowls. Sam pulled her arm away from Boromir taking the bowls. She handed one to Eden and then turned back to Boromir.

"We'll just be over there taking in the view," Sam said. Eden could barely contain her laughter. Sam continued, "Please let us know when we are to be departing,"

Boromir looked a little bit confused as well as saddened by the sudden departure of Sam, and he gulped trying to find words, "Yes…yes, of course, my lady,"

Eden and Sam walked away quietly at first but as soon as they walked around a tent and away from the view of Boromir and Galion they had to stop to burst out laughing.

"Oh my god!" Eden said as she laughed, "Did you see the look on his face?"

"Achievement unlocked," Sam said and only further deepened their laughter.

The two women settled down on a small bolder near the base of the mountain just at the edge of camp opposite of the small wood. They sipped at their bland, porridge in silence just enjoying the other one's presence. Scotticus emerged from the camp and took up place near the girls to keep watch on the mountain.

"It would seem you have an admirer," Sam said smiling toward Eden.

"Shut the fuck up," Eden said, "He isn't Scott,"

Sam raised an eyebrow, "Are you fucking shitting me?! He totally is! The toilet is trying to tell you something,"

Eden rolled her eyes, "Yes, I can picture the toilet now, 'Not scrubbing bubbles! Not scrubbing bubbles!' "

Sam giggled to herself and then let out a slow sigh, "The people who orchestrate the Rendezvous and Muster would kill if they knew about that toilet,"

"It's not the same," Eden said.

"How so?" Sam asked.

"Well for one, this has absolutely nothing to do with US history," Eden said as she set down her now empty bowl on the boulder, "And two, they don't use real swords, or have to worry about being killed by orcs…or worse,"

"True," Sam said as she too finished her porridge and set her bowl next to Eden's, "I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that we haven't had to encounter the enemy since we have been here,"

"Enemy?" Eden asked giving her a strange look, "What the hell? We aren't Gondorians, or Rohhiric. We're sure as shit aren't hobbits, or dwarves! We aren't a part of this. We are just extremely lost tourists,"

"Maybe…" Sam said. She brought her knees up to her chest and leaned down resting her chin on her legs staring out into space at particularly nothing with glassy eyes. Eden knew that look. Eden had had to put up with that look for a long time, before Sam opened her bar. That was the 'I'm depressed and about to become a drunk, blubbering, idiot' look.

"Don't do that," Eden said, "Not to me,"

"What?" Sam asked.

"What's wrong?" Eden asked.

"Nothing is wrong," Sam said and she stiffened her shoulders in a defensive matter.

"Bitch! Don't pull this crap with me!" Eden said as she stood from the boulder in front of Sam with her hands on her hips, "I am not going to let you go full Jane Austen depressed on me. For fucks sake! We are in Middle Earth! This is your dream! This is your world!"

"Alright, alright!" Sam said raising a hand into the air, "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset, it's just I'm a little irritable because we didn't bring our cigarettes,"

Eden raised her eyebrows, "Good point," she said and then she turned toward Scotticus, "Yo! Stalker,"

Scotticus turned around but said nothing.

"You got any tobacco?" she asked. Scotticus raised an eyebrow confused. Eden rolled her eyes.

"Oh for fuck sake, what the hell do they call it here?" Eden asked.

"Pipe weed," Sam said.

Eden turned back to Scotticus, "Go and find us some pipe weed!" she commanded. Scotticus looked at her for a moment, but finally nodded and headed back into the camp.

Sam giggled, "I hope he doesn't bring back a bag of 'Old Toby'."

"Huh?" Eden asked.

"You know," Sam said and made a gesture of smoking a joint, "Long bottom leaf,"

"Oh shit!" Eden said and chuckled, "I forgot about that,"

"I probably would fuck Boromir on that shit," Sam said.

"I would throw the bastard at you if it meant us getting home," Eden said, "I'm worried sick about Scott and the kids."

"I am worried too, about Sammy," Sam said as she thought of her adopted son, and then Eden noticed her demeanor change again, "I'm sorry that I dragged you along in all of this. I got carried away and was being selfish,"

"You weren't being selfish," Eden said, "You were being human,"

Sam half smiled, "Still, though, I should have done this on my own,"

Eden stared at her for a few moments and then, quite unexpectedly, burst out laughing.

"What the hell?" Sam asked.

"Are you kidding me?" Eden asked still laughing, "I'm having a hoot and a half!"

It was at this time that Scotticus returned. He bowed his head to Eden and handed her a small, leather pouch. She took it and looked it over. She opened it, smelt it, and then handed it to Sam who did the same. Sam nodded her head in approval.

"Don't think they have rolling papers round these parts," she said. Eden smirked and then she turned back to Scotticus.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this, dumbass," Eden said and Scotticus looked absolutely terrified, "Go and find a fucking pipe for us!"

Scotticus may as well have been Wiley Coyote because he took off so fast, Sam swore he left a cloud of dust in his shape.

"Good god, woman," Sam said, "Take pity on the poor soul,"

"Fuck that!" Eden said, "If he is the alternate universe version of my husband he should fucking act like it,"

"I have been thinking about that," Sam said.

"What?! About Scott?" Eden asked.

"No, no," Sam Said, "About what you said yesterday, about me watching too much Dr. who," Sam said and she too stood from the boulder and stretched out her arms, "I think you were onto something,"

"Like what?" Eden asked.

"Well," Sam said grabbing their two empty bowls, "I have an understanding of Physics, and I think that the toilet could be some version of a wormhole."

Eden raised an eyebrow, "Fucking seriously?"

"Bare with me," Sam said as she continued, "Clearly, this is not the 'real' Middle Earth, that only exits in the mind of Tolkien. And that would explain why Sean Bean is hitting on me. The toilet knows our perception of this world and, quite literally, created an alternate universe. I have no idea where we are in the canon timeline,"

Eden flinched slightly, thinking back to her previous thoughts about Thorin and the rest of company dead. Sam continued,

"But wherever we are, we need to be careful. You made a joke about Boromir dying yesterday, but we can do nothing to stop it. It must happen. The toilet brought us here for a reason. Why did Frank end up in Rohan, I assume, and we ended up in Gondor? There must be a purpose, and we cannot say anything to disrupt the timeline. We can't warn them, we can't let them know how we know. We can't tell them who we really are or where we are really from, and we certainly can't let them know that they are figments of someone's imagination."

"Holy shit…" Eden said as Sam's words sunk into her, "What the fuck did you do before Frank came back? Dr. Who binge watch on Netflix?"

"This has nothing to do with Dr. Who!" Sam said, "We just have to be careful. What if we change something and then we get back and it changes in the books?"

"Good point," Eden said, "Because we are, after all, taking advice from a magical toilet in a creepy house in the middle of Knox county Indiana."

"God Dammit! You know what I mean," Sam said crossing her arms. Scotticus emerged again from the camp. He handed Eden a small, wooden pipe. She took it quickly and filled it. Then she pulled out her lighter from her pocket. As she flicked it and it came aflame Scotticus stared in bewilderment. She took a few long puffs and then passed it over to Sam.

"We smoka de peace pipe," she said smirking.

Sam took the pipe gratefully, and then raised her hand to Eden's arm, who was still holding her lighter in her hand. She gently pressed against her arm guiding it to put the lighter back in her pocket.

"Hey Scott, why don't you…SCOTTICUS! I meant Scotticus," Sam said as Eden nudged her in the knees, "Go and find Boromir and find out how much longer it is going to take before we depart,"

Scotticus just stared at her blankly and did not move from his spot. Eden rolled her eyes, "Oh for fuck sake! Do as she says!" she yelled. Again, Scotticus was gone before the dust could settle from his path.

 _Meanwhile, back in Indiana_

Kyle stared blankly at the note he had found in his mailbox. _"What the hell?"_ he thought as he glanced at the Penthouses. He carefully reread the note as best as he could through the haze of his hangover trying to remember the events of the previous night. Frank had returned claiming he had magically been transported into Middle Earth by flushing himself in the downstairs toilet of his new house. Kyle sighed and crumpled the note up in his hands stuffing the Penthouses under his arm. _"Knowing Frank, he won't be at his mom's long,"_ Kyle thought as he recalled the note saying, 'Don't come by, and don't tell anyone else where I am.' Kyle walked back into his apartment and tossed the Penthouses on his couch. He poured himself a cup of coffee and pulled his cell phone out from his pajama pockets. He dialed Frank, frowning when it went straight to voicemail after three rings. _"That bastard ignored my call!"_ Kyle thought, but he was worried. He would give Frank a day, and then he was going to confront him.

 _Meanwhile, on the other side of Vincennes_

Frank sighed as he turned the key in the lock of his house. He cracked opened the door and peeked inside making sure that the coast was clear before he stepped inside. He took off his light jacket and hung it on one of the many hooks in his foyer. He quickly made his way into his kitchen to plug in his cell phone. Then he noticed the other two cell phones on his counter. The one with the green case he knew was Sam's. Green was her favourite colour. He picked it up and pushed the button revealing her Thorin Oakenshield wallpaper.

Frank scowled. He had had enough of Middle Earth to last him a lifetime. Then he took notice of the other phone. _"That's Eden's,"_ he thought. He did not know Eden very well, but he knew that she was Sam's best friend. He knew that she was happily married and had kids. He felt kinda bad as he picked up the Samsung Galaxy pushing the button at the side and scrolling to unlock the screen. His heart sank when he saw her wallpaper. He recognized Eden smiling proudly next to her husband, whom Frank had never met, and they were embraced around four children. A girl, a small toddler, who resembled Scott a great deal, and a young boy who looked like Eden smiled back at him. He felt so guilty and recalled that Sam had adopted two of Eden's foster kids. A young man named Sam, and his teenaged sister. _"Sam is a brave woman,"_ he thought to himself. He set both of the cell phones down on the counter and sighed. He dared crossed the house to the downstairs bathroom and glanced in. It was quiet and seemingly safe.

Frank pushed these thoughts from his mind. _"Serves them right!"_ he thought, _"They are the ones who like all this crap."_ He shut the door to the bathroom and then he crossed his house to his living room. He plopped down on his suede, beige couch and buried his head into the cushions. He kicked off his shoes and socks, and it was here that he fell asleep and sealed his fate.

 _Meanwhile, back at Orthanc_

Saruman paced his obsidian floor. _"Gandalf had escaped!"_ he thought to himself. How could he have let this happen. More importantly, what was this disturbance he felt. Something was wrong, very wrong, and he yet had the sight to see it. He cried out in frustration to the emptiness and then stormed out of his study. He took the steps of his tower two by two as he neared the dungeons. An orc approached him.

"What is it, my lord?" it asked.

"Find them," Saruman said bluntly. He raised his hand and a swirling portal appeared. One of the orcs stepped forward.

"No!" Saruman yelled. The orcs cowered back from him, "There is something at work here in which I have never seen the like…Send the Uruk Hai," Saruman said. Two strong and tall Uruk Hai appeared at his side a few moments later.

"Find this anomaly," Saruman said as he gestured toward the portal, "Bring them to me,"

 _Meanwhile, back at Frank's house_

Frank snoozed peacefully on his couch as the two Uruk Hai tried to regain their composer after pulling themselves from the toilet. They were shocked and embarrassed at first when they realized from whence they emerged. They walked carefully from the bathroom to the hall and made their way toward the living room. They gawked at his modern possessions. Then they found the sleeping Frank on his couch.

"The master said to find the hobbits," said one Uruk Hai to the other.

"He's too tall to be a hobbit," said the other.

"But the master said that hobbits have curly hair and hairy feet," said the other. His companion glanced down at Frank's bare, hairy feet.

"Take him," he said. The other Uruk Hai grabbed Frank forcefully. Frank roused from his sleep glanced at the two Uruk Hai and screamed. He could hear his cell phone ringing in the kitchen. The other Uruk Hai walked into the kitchen and picked up Frank's cell phone.

"What the hell is this devilry?" he asked.

"No idea," said the other Uruk Hai.

"It reads, 'ignore'," the other Uruk Hai asked.

"Ignore it then, we have to get him back to the master," said the other Uruk Hai.

The confused Uruk Hai pressed the button that said ignore and he returned to the side of his companion. The two Uruks and Frank knelt over the toilet and flushed themselves back in.

 _Meanwhile,_

Boromir held out the reins of a humongous horse to Sam. Eden was giggling to herself silently; already mounted on her horse next to Scotticus.

"I…..Uh….Well…You see…" Sam tried to find the words to explain the current situation.

"What's wrong with this horse? He is gentle, and noble," Boromir said, "You said you were from Rohan, surely you have encountered more stubborn horses,"

"Yes, I am from Rohan," Sam said as she took hold of the bridle. Cautiously, she placed her foot in one of the stirrups and swung herself over straddling the horse. Eden was laughing so hard that several soldiers were looking at her curiously. Sam, Eden noticed, had an expression that looked almost exactly as Bilbo had when he was first placed upon a pony in the first Hobbit movie.


End file.
